Shepherd your child’s heart

Directing a child’s attitude and behavior can be complicated. Looking at parenting like shepherding can help us understand the dynamics of parent-child interaction. Shepherds protect, guide, and provide. Shepherds sometimes take a rod and move sheep away from danger. They provide a good example to better understand healthy parenting through considering authority and discipline.

Understanding authority

Where does behavior come from? Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. Children lack a filter. What they think, they say. Behavior comes from the heart. Our focus in raising children needs to be deeper than behavior, to reach into the heart, where real motivation for action lies.

Parents are called to oversee their children. When children are in charge, they do not feel safe. Children are not developmentally able to make good decisions. All of us recognize authority in our lives. As adults, authorities can include our boss, the police, the government etc. We can help our children learn obedience because it is critical to understand the role of authority as a life skill. Authority can be misunderstood in parenting. In a grocery store, for example, a child can see a candy and will scream and kick until a parent gives the candy to her. In this case the child is acting as an inappropriate authority.

Acting as an authority over a child does not mean being cruel and demanding. Relationship is critical as we discipline. A good relationship is loving and caring. When a child is a baby, the parent has all the authority. A parent must feed and care for the child for him to survive. When a child is eight or nine, the parent provides for basic needs, though the child starts to have a mind of his own. A parent cannot force a child to eat healthy food but can provide consequences for right actions. When a child is eighteen, parent authority is nearly diminished. Our hope is the child can make wise choices on his own. While authority is reduced, influence on a child can be at a high level. Influence grows through a strong relationship with the child.

Acting as an authority over a child does not mean being cruel and demanding. Relationship is critical as we discipline.

Understanding discipline

Discipline should be corrective, not punitive. Discipline is designed to move a child back to the path of obedience. Discipline is an expression of love. It does not flow from anger or personal convenience. Correction should be for the good of the child, to help the child grow. Change is almost always a process, not an event. Discipline happens again and again. It takes time and effort to see change. Love and discipline are not a balance to keep. They fit together. If parents do not discipline their children, they are not acting in a loving way. Without discipline, a child will not learn responsibility, boundaries, and right from wrong.

One practical step is to make family rules or value statements. Make this list with your child. Even a young child can offer ideas on how the home should run. Keep the list simple and short, between five and ten rules. Keep the rules positive. Write them down and post them where everyone can see. Rules can look like: help one another, take turns, be kind, listen the first time, be honest, count your blessings, work hard. Most importantly, love one another. Choose reasonable family privileges and consequences which can be implemented in a weekly schedule. Talk about both in advance. A privilege can be time playing games, time with an iPad or book, play with a bike or scooter, a movie night or play date with friends. Consequences can be a loss of privilege, quiet time in a chair or break spot, time in the child’s room without devices. Families can make chore sticks. Post lists of chores like sweeping the floor or washing dishes on sticks. Put these sticks in a cup to pull as consequences as needed.

Beyond privileges and consequences, targeting a child’s heart will reach deeper than behavior. The circle of safety shows how obedience and honor can lead a child to live well and to enjoy life. A cycle of disobedience and dishonor with inappropriate behavior puts a child outside a circle of safety leading to hardship and difficulty. Discipline and correction help move a child back into the circle of safety. A practical tip to help move a child back into safety and obedience is to designate a chair or stool as a “thinking chair”. Have the child sit on this chair until you have calmed down and are able to manage the situation. Sit close to the child. Speak with gentle words, expressing sadness about the decision and how discipline can help the child get back into the circle of safety. Consistency is key in follow-up.

Use these five questions to reach a child’s heart when addressing behavior. Try to listen and understand the child. Use this discipline opportunity to strengthen the relationship.

1. What was going on?

2. What were you thinking or feeling as it was happening?

3. What did you do in response?

4. Why did you do it? What were you seeking to accomplish?

5. What was the result?

Use these tools to build a stronger relationship with your child and to shepherd the heart. To learn more about how to shepherd a child, get the book Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp.